In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I swear she didn't look like that last week.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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