Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
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