Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
