i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
