i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
