life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
