I think I won the penis lottery.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
