Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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