Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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