So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
