I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Randomize
