She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
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i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
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Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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