So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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