I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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