You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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