This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
