You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
Randomize
