i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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