I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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