and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
