It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
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