So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
