First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Randomize
