I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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