There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
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oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
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She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain