filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!