Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Houston, we have a squirter
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.