So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.