Will you blow on my dice?
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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