if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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