How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
