my mouth tastes like poor choices
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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