There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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