The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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