walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
my vag is so smooth its legendary
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
they call him Oral-B. enough said
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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