i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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