Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
