I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
It's never too late to be topless.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
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