This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
