Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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