Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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