Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Randomize
