It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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