Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
