She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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