maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
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