I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
