allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
