All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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