she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
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