She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Houston, we have a blender
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Randomize
