it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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