I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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