I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Randomize