I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
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We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
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I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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