I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
