let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
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