how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Randomize
