I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
