I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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