You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
